03 May 2016

Broken

Recently, I have developed an obsession for the television series, Outlander.  Based on a series of books I read almost 20 years ago, it tells the story of Claire Randall and her experiences of traveling back to the 1700’s in the Highlands of Scotland.  I will not precis the books here – that will take too much time, however, what recently caught my attention was the way in which Jamie, Claire’s 18th century husband, speaks about his experience of being broken through an incredibly traumatic event (which the series shows vividly and is traumatic to watch!).

Whilst I found it difficult and barely watched the trauma in its entirety – opting to use the skip forward function as much as possible – I have appreciated the fact the show has not glossed over this event and Jamie has not simply recovered in an unrealistic manner.  The last episode reveals a vulnerability and honesty that took my breath away and resulted in shivers up my spine.  Jamie opens up about the impact of being broken – how what was done to him exposed him to the core and blew his “fortress” apart.  My breath literally caught as he spoke.  

I have written about being broken before.  However, what I am coming to understand thanks to the ongoing nature of adoption, is that the breaking isn’t a one time event.  It occurs repeatedly – in ways and at times you least expect it and however much you have told yourself you are doing better and have become stronger, the blows that rain down reveal how very broken you really are and how further broken you are yet to become.  So many times I have said “I am done!” only for another blow to take me down even lower.  Even the broken pieces of our souls can be destroyed further.

18 years into a life sentence.  I had hoped my jail would be ended after 18 but low and behold, my jailer is now the very person who was taken from me.  Like her adopters, I am now having to play her game – play her rules.  I understand entirely she never asked for any of this to happen – I appreciate that.  But neither did I.  Neither did my other children who have also suffered.  I am so tired of always having to balance everyone else’s experiences.  I am sick of having my voice stifled, time and time again.  This blog is my one and only place I can go where I can share what is left of my broken heart and soul.  Being a mother of loss is a lonely journey and I find myself at my loneliest.  So many people around me but no one I can talk to.  No one who wants to hear because they feel they have heard it all before – because this is a wound that never stops bleeding.  

And so I become yet another statistic of failed reunions – before it even began.  How can someone be angry with a mother they have never even given a chance?  I believe the reason so many reunions fail is because our children have grown up with people who are so different to us – who only know how to take and never have empathy – that when it comes to finding us broken, they are angry with us for being broken.  Afterall, this is meant to be all about them.  We don’t matter, we are just trash as we have been told over and over and over again.  As her adoptress said to me at the end of a visit one day, I was meant to be raped, just so she could have a child.  With people like this “caring” for our children, mothers of loss have no chance.  The lies have become so entrenched – they were started so long ago.  

I no longer hold hope.  Hope is a word used to torment those who long for peace.  For so many years, people told me to hold on until she knew the truth but the truth means nothing to her because it conflicts with what she has been told.  I am nothing to her – as so many adopters have pointed out – we just give birth, we are merely vessels who can be discarded.  Our pain is nothing to our children.  Nothing.  They have their adopters and their lies – what do they need us for?  Me, I prefer the truth – however cold it might be, but at least I can know it is real.  

The one thing I can hold onto is that I have always been authentic.  Vulnerable. True.  My conscience is clear – I have never had to steal a child and then play pretend for 18 years, filling that child’s head with rubbish.  

But, my fortress has been exploded.  There is nothing left of the rubble to even attempt a rebuild – or a shed.  It has all turned to dust.  Like my heart.  And my soul.

25 April 2016

Post order

A while ago, I reverted to draft many posts I have written over the years.  I had been meaning to sort through which ones I wanted to re-post for a while but due to a busy work life, have not had the time. Today I have re-published many however, they have posted with today's time stamp and are thus, sadly out of original order, grrr.

Being Stuck

(Original publish date: January 2009)

A short while ago, I blogged about beng stuck. Little did I realise this went deeper than just my posting.

It has dawned on me that I have been stuck for a very long time. Frozen in my trauma while life has continued around me. Its like I have been sitting in the middle of a whirlpool, watching life go on around me, while I have stayed on the fringe. Yes, I have taken part in this whirlpool ocassionally; I have married and had two more children, but then my soul, my spirit has stayed where it has felt safe and remained stuck.

Now, I have this urge to re-enter the whirlpool, to be part of the dizzying act of living, of loving, of enjoying LIFE. I have missed the thrill of knowing what it is to live, I have hovered between wanting to die or being afraid to die while denying myself the joy of just experiencing LIFE in all her splendour.

Now, it is time to live again. Now, it is time to rediscover myself and tell myself I am okay, that I am allowed to exist as me. I can take time to find the joy in the simplest of pleasures, to dance in the rain if the fancy takes me. It is time. Time to LIVE again...

Taking Back My Power

(Originally published: July 2009)

When I began this blog, I viewed it as a way to give myself a voice; a voice which has been up until recently, stifled, ignored, shut down at all cost. I have always loved journaling and writing; using words to convey how I feel. For a long time, after losing Amber and after a previous trauma in my younger life, this part of me shut down. I had a block, words just wouldn’t string themselves together the way they used to. When I did start to write again, I cared to much about what people thought about my words, how I conveyed the deepest parts of me. In sharing myself this way, I felt I was giving others the power to hurt me. Until now.

Now, I realise, the only power they have is what I allow them to think they have. And that is zilch.

I realise it has been some time since I posted anything here. I have had a rough month, in fact, I have been down to my lowest points again, to the point where I experienced the longing to cut again, to see the beads of blood along my arm to prove I was still alive, still breathing. I managed to resist this urge and came out of my ravine. What plunged me there? How did it come to be that I sunk so low, so very, very low that it was scary low?

About six weeks ago, I took a deep breath and decided to share my blog with my non-adoption world; that is to paste links to my story on my normal Facebook page. My reasons for doing this were to share with friends whom I haven’t been in touch with for a long time and wanted to know what my life has been like in the last 10 odd years, an explanation without needing to find the mental energy to do it several times. I also wanted to be brave; to show my other side to those I see almost daily.

In doing this, I totally forgot, that out of several thousand words, a couple of lines briefly mentioned one person, NOT by name, who had been very pushy with the adoption, although in her eyes, she sees her actions as supporting a decision I apparently had already made. This person was also connected to me via Facebook. Given her views on my situation and the case, I didn't think she would ever bother reading the link... not that I even had her in mind when I posted on Facebook! But read it, she did.

Without compassion or asking how she had been so hurtful, she sent me an email defending herself, telling me to change my story. Not only that, she went through my mother first which really angered me.

I did not respond to the email she sent me, I was in shock and the further I tried to sit on it and do nothing, the angrier I became. Then I asked myself why was I so angry? How did this have such a devastating effect on me to the point it hindered EVERYTHING I did? I mean, yes, she did have a minor point in her email but why were her words so harmful? Then I realised. It clicked. What she was doing now, pushing HER feelings on me, telling me how to feel, what my experience had been and omitting her very real part in my ACTUAL story was doing the same thing she did to me all those years ago when I was vulnerable and pregnant and alone.

SHE WAS TAKING AWAY MY VOICE, MY POWER and that is what angered me more than anything else. Infuriated me and yes, I am still angry for she represents all who do this and refuse to see their part and take responsibility for their actions in other’s lives. While I don’t question her intentions were not malicious because I don’t think they were; (many did not have nasty intentions, they were mistakenly doing what they felt was right) I am enraged after reading the full account of what happened to me, she could not take herself out of the situation for one moment and see someone else’s pain, see the experience of another human being who has suffered. Instead, all she cared about was herself. Her name was never mentioned, no one would have known it was her yet still all she could think about was two lines out of hundreds... all it does is confirm how correct I was in my original estimation of what really went down.

People have to come to terms with the fact there are consequences to their actions, their words. They have to see that sometimes, “The greatest Harm can result from the best Intentions”. This well meaning person forgets that she played more than one part in my story and I do not have the energy to argue with her about the part she played in MY experience. Because at the end of the day, it is MY story, MY journey. MY daughter that is lost and not hers. This is why I am taking back my power. I am sharing this with everyone because it happens to all of us at some point when those who do not want to accept responsibility try to shut us down or make us change the facts. We can’t change what happened to please others, to make THEM feel better. We shouldn’t have to either.

So, in closing this post, I want to offer a word of advice for ALL who read my posts. This is MY VOICE and I will post what is pertinent to MY journey. If you don’t like it, tough, I don’t make you read here, that was your choice. If you have appeared in my account and can recognise yourself and don’t like that representation, again, TOUGH. Karma is a bitch they say...

I don’t do this to be unkind but I have had enough of being told what to do by those who think that just because they are older than me they feel they have the right to dictate to me. I lived that my whole life in the church. “Respect thy elders”... what a lot of good that did for me...NOT.

So I am taking back my power and I don’t care who likes it or not.

Brilliant post

(Originally published: March 2010)

I read this blogpost the other day and it is fabulous.

Ever since I came across the blogs of PAP's (Prospective adoptive parents) I have been horrifed by the use of God to justify adoption as it is practised today. This post puts the use of adoption in the bible into context. And again shows how God rejoices not in the separation of mother and child but in the relationship and bond between mother and child (biologically and naturally related of course) HE created.

I have never understood the logic of many PAP's... why would God cause the death of a mother when they have just had a baby just so other members of her family could squabble over who is going to adopt the baby when she is not yet buried? Why would God meddle like that? He wouldn't. And doesn't. Its not the way He works. Anyone who buys into this absolute crap is seriously, SERIOUSLY so blinded by their own tragedies and lust for what they desire they have lost the plot. Totally.

And to think that God would go around placing babies in the "wrong tummy", WTF is with that??? If that is what they believe then their god is seriously screwed up and not something I would want to have faith in. It would show He wasn't all perfect and all knowing. Yet again its just more evidence these deluded individuals will say anything to justify their actions to get another mother's child and play pretend.

15 February 2016

You said what?

Greetings readers!  It has certainly been a while.

Whilst I have not really missed blogging (what? not miss the abuse and nastiness only online blogging can provide??? why ever not??), this idea for a post formed in my head at work today so I thought I would try it out.

My daughter's 18th birthday is around the corner and I have spent some time of late pondeirng the last 18 years and all the things I have had said to me by numerous types of humans.  So basically, this is my chance to clear a few things up.  Here goes.

"It was god's plan for you to be raped so we could have a child"
-Um, no, it wasn't.  What kind of imbecile believes that sort of crap anyway  Oh, that's right, the type that would go to any length to take another mother's child.  No loony tune, it had nothing to do with any "god".  And if it was their plan, then why would I want anything to do with any religion or deity that would create such sort of pain and devastation to a person's life? The whole idea is ludicrous.

"Keeping your baby is selfish.  True love is to give her up"
-Yes, because nothing says "I love you" like giving a child away.  What alternate reality do you live in?  Would you give up your child to prove your love?  Are you saying that all those parents who have raised their children don't actually love them?  Wow.  Just wow.  That is some pretty twisted logic right there. 

"She was always meant to be ours/theirs"
- Well, if that was a case, why did you/she not give birth to her?  This is so crazy an idea it seriously concerns me that anyone would consider you/them worthy to raise a child - any child!  Babies grow in their mothers' wombs.  Not in their hearts (biologically impossible - but hey, don't let scientific fact get in the way of your warped ideas) or anywhere else. 

"You were really just an incubator/surrogate"
- The level of small mindedness and nastiness that spews forth from the mouths of some is just dumbfounding.  Again, nope.  Surrogates generally enter an agreement to become pregnant in order to abandon the child voluntarily.  This kind of goes against the whole concept of being raped.  Because, lest anyone forgets, being raped is not voluntary and one is usually unaware that it is about to happen.  As for people being incubators - really? Your callousness knows no bounds.

"There is no such thing as forced adoption"
- Of course not!  Mothers are just lining themselves up all over the world to hand out their babies!  That is why so many get pregnant - just so they can give them away!  Only mindless gits would believe such rot.

"You must have done something to get your child taken.  They don't take babies from good mothers"
- Just like women must asked to be raped, or people ask to be murdered or get cancer on purpose.  Newsflash people, yes, bad things happen - and no, you don't have to do anything to deserve it or have it happen, they just happen.  We live in a world where people are, simply put, evil.  Driven by lust, greed, capitalism, nothing in this world is sacred - not even the supposedly "sacred" mother-child relationship.  Humans can be miserable, horrible things who inflict pain needlessly because it fulfills a selfish whim.

"You should get over this/why are you not over this"
- Okay, let's try something. I will take one of your children and see how you "get over it".  Or a leg, or an arm - you won't miss those? Or how about your heart?  It doesn't seem you need it - especially given the nasty things coming out of your mouth.  Does that work for you?  No?  Let me be clear: a mother does not get over losing her child.  It wouldn't be natural for her so asking her to get over it is asking her to defy nature.  And why should she?  You wouldn't if the situation was reversed so don't ask her to do something you couldn't cope with yourself.  

"But it was your choice"
- What constitutes as a choice from your perspective, exactly?  Because having no options is not a choice.  To make a choice, one needs to have options, facts, alternatives.  Most adoptions do not involve choice.  When a mother is being threatened, coerced, brainwashed and deceived, she does not have a choice.  Lets see how well you do in the same position.

"You are only a birth mother"
- There is no such thing as a "birth" mother - otherwise all natural mothers would be termed that.  A mother is, by definition, a woman that gives birth.  I am a mother.  No prefix necessary.  Unless you are insecure about my motherhood and feel the need to degrade and insult me.  Oh, that's right, you do.  This is adoption, afterall.

"Everything happens for a reason"
- Would you say that to a cancer victim?  Or the family of someone who has been murdered?   Or a mother whose baby has just died for some awful reason?  How does anything terrible have a particular reason other than "it happened"?    No, losing my child had no purpose or reason other than those who fought me to take her wanted MY child and did not care enough about her or I to stop and think how this would affect us.  THAT is the only reason and invalidating that fact is just cruel.  If you can find reasons for evil happening in this world other than it happens, and that helps you, then that is great for YOU.  But please don't presume to tell me how to feel about my situation.

"Adoption is so beautiful"
- Sure it is - if you are happy to create lifelong pain in others just so you can be happy! And I don't really care if your uncle's brother's wife was adopted and is just happy with it.  Science backs the fact adoption or unnecessary child separation causes trauma.  In the real world, outside the creepy unreality of adoption, the mother/child bond is revered.  It is only when that bond becomes a nuisance that the science is shunned to make way for the fantasy of unicorns puking rainbows aka adoption.  (Note: whilst I am using the generalised term adoption, I am in fact, referring to the infant adoption institution, for the most part.  If you have read this blog, you will be aware I am not blind to the fact that sadly, some children must live with those outside their families for whatever reason - other than baby buying.)  Creating one's happiness on the destruction of another person is the lowest a human can go. 

"You were not raped. You are just saying that"
- Yes, because it's a picnic telling people I was raped for the hell of it.  When the person who raped you even admits he knows he raped you "but if you told anyone they wouldn't believe you, and I would deny it" then I don't need you to believe me.  I was there.  You were not so keep your stupidity to yourself.

"Adoption is in the bible.  god adopted us.  This makes it a good thing"
- Stop it. Seriously, I am almost choking I'm laughing so hard.    This is the biggest load of crap anyone has ever spouted.  Churches are full of this putrid shite.  Any wonder people are running in droves from churches, screaming as they go??   Would be best to put down the bible and pick up some reading material that explains comprehension so you can actually understand that bible you are so busy bashing over the head of some poor soul.  This belief is so outdated it is ridiculous. 

"You need to take responsibility for this"
- For what, exactly?  For being raped?  For losing my child to creepy humans with narcissistic tendencies?  Screw you.  I don't need to take responsibility for the things others did and I am over carrying that burden.  I was raped.  That is a crime against ME.  My child was taken despite nothing questioning my fitness as a mother (actually, the reverse - I was caring for the children of four other families throughout my pregnancy - hardly the sign of an unfit mother!) Again, another crime.  When are those who made choices to hurt me going to take responsibility?  Why do mothers always have to wear the shame and wrongdoings committed by others? I took responsibility for my daughter, I stood up in court and let those who took her destroy me so I could show her this was not my choice.  I said "No" when I was being raped.  I voiced my desire to raise my child.  Why should I take the blame for the actions of others?  I won't and I refuse to anymore.  Time for those who hurt and maim the lives of others to own their actions.

There are a number of other such choice statements I have heard over the years - many through this blog.  For the most part, people are just ignorant and unaware of the reality and truth of what happens in adoption - others are just plain nasty.  Ignorance is a choice however and there is no reason to stay ignorant of the trauma adoption inflicts on its victims. 


23 September 2015

What does it mean to you?

(Originally published: January 2010)

With all the various "blog wars" flying about the place, I have been thinking about the "anti-adoption" stance and the way people feel towards it.

I didn't always see myself as being anti-adoption; in fact someone labelled me with that and I just thought "well maybe that's what I am" and let it stick but currently, I have seen through the eyes of others, that this statement is more than what it means to me.

So in this post, I want to explain what I see it meaning and then ask you what you feel it means.

For me:

I am against a legal system that seeks to make a lie out of a child's life. I do not agree with the legal process and is one of the main aspects of adoption I am against. It is not even a requirement to tell a child they are adopted and I know of mothers whose children are not even aware of their adoption. This is crazy-making. I hate that in many places in the USA, adopted persons do not have the right to THEIR OWN records. I am against withholding Original Birth Certificates from those they belong to: the Adoptee and no one else. Not even the mother who gave birth to them has the moral right to keep this information from their child and if they loved their child, they wouldn't.

The other main aspect is the routine separation of mothers and babies to fulfil a demand. Infant adoption has become a business. Mothers who are perfectly capable of raising their own children are told they are selfish, are lied to, are worn down to feel they are unworthy of keeping their own babies, the most natural thing to do, so that others can adopt their babies. I disagree with this and find it unethical and immoral in the extreme.

I disagree with the kidnapping of children internationally being sold for adoption and human traffiking purposes. I am against keeping the poor helpless and unable to provide so they have no choice but to relinquish in order to feed their own children.

I am against the fact adoption is a multi billion dollar FOR profit industry in the USA. This issue makes me feel sick because I do not see how this is any different to slavery when a price is paid to adopt an infant under the guise of "fees" when in reality it is contributing to the profits this industry is generating.

I am vehemently opposed to those who aggressively seek out young mothers with the sole intention of getting them to place their child. Adoption should be a last resort not the first choice. Education should be employed to ensure more young women know how to protect themselves from becoming mothers before they are ready. There is just not enough education out there due to sex being such a taboo subject in the West.

I am against infant adoption because in most cases it is not ethical and is immoral due to current practises employed and the lure of the open adoption lie which has no guarantee and has so far caused much damage.

Now I have covered the main aspects of adoption I am against, let me share what I am actually okay with.

All children deserve a permanent and stable home; a family who loves them. I agree with this aspect of adoption although sadly, it is not always guaranteed. Children should not have to pass from home to home; should not have to worry about who they are going to live with next, whether they are going to be placed back with abusive parents. Children, our innocent and precious children, deserve to be loved, nurtured and above all, protected and I know there are people out there who want to give a child this which is GOOD.

Children who have no homes and no chance of being reunited with their familes, I want them to have a home. I want them to have what children are SUPPOSED to have, their basic human rights.

This is where adoption, particularly of older children, I struggle to be against as their right to this is more important than paperwork. And for the most part, where and whilst there is no other choice, I agree currently adoption is their best option.

Now for you my readers, I invite you to share what ANTI ADOPTION means to you. What do you feel or think when you see this term? What does this term really mean?

Please be aware this is not an invitation for attacks, jibes, etc but a civil and meaningful discussion so we can dispel some of the myths going around about what anti adoption is and what it isn't.

Maybe we will find within the adoption community more common ground with each other than we realise we have.

Thank you for your honesty and time!